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&nbsp; **By The School of Emotional Literacy**Healing doesn’t happen through avoidance. It happens through understanding. And when it comes to healing emotionally, clarity begins with one simple principle:**Emotions are not about others. They are not about the past. They are about your needs—right now.**Most trauma responses are built on misinterpreted emotions. We feel pain and assume it’s caused by someone else. We feel fear and assume it’s proof of danger. We feel grief and assume it means something valuable has been lost forever. But in truth:**Emotions are not evidence of history—they are guidance for the present.**### The Three Rules of Emotional Processing:1. **Your emotions never speak to you about other people.** No one else is the cause of your emotion. People may trigger something that’s already there, but your feelings are internal signals—messages about your relationship with yourself in that moment.2. **Your emotions never speak to you about the past.** Emotions do not operate in memory playback mode. They do not ask you to relive your pain or retell your story. They ask you to notice what needs your attention *right now.*3. **Your emotions speak to you about what you need to do for yourself in the current moment.** Sadness might mean you need comfort. Anger might mean you need a boundary. Anxiety might mean you’re overcommitting. Emotions offer direction—not punishment.These are hard rules. Not guidelines. And they counteract a lot of mainstream advice—particularly the modern obsession with "cutting out toxic people."There are no toxic people. No one is inherently poisonous.There are maladaptive behaviors. There is dysregulation. There are relational dynamics that can be harmful. But the goal is not to disappear people. The goal is to develop **emotional autonomy** and **self-governance.**Imagine a police officer dealing with a highly emotional, erratic person. A regulated officer won’t mirror the chaos—they’ll stay calm, grounded, professional. Why? Because they’ve been trained to understand that:A dysregulated person isn’t attacking the officer—they are battling themselves. The officer is just the mirror.A responsible citizen responds the same way: with sovereignty, not escalation.But a person lacking knowledge or maturity will react in kind—amplifying the chaos, reinforcing the dysfunction, and walking away believing the other person was the problem.Cutting ties is often a form of emotional avoidance. It’s a form of violence disguised as empowerment. And while there are times when space and safety are needed, the ideal isn’t disconnection—it’s **emotional clarity.**Many people fear conflict. Some even believe it’s inherently harmful or abusive. But conflict isn’t bad—it’s just misunderstood.&gt; Conflict is where unresolved emotional patterns get exposed. It’s where relational maturity can be developed. It’s where transformation is possible—if we don’t run.Conflict is not a threat. It's an invitation to grow.And emotional pain is not punishment. It's a signal.Listen to your emotions—not your narratives about them. Follow the three rules. And let your inner system guide you home. Emotional Quotient Philosophy Psychology Arrested Development<figure id="figure-dfh69z15ukma4qsbdm"><img id="dfh69z15ukma4qsbdm" src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/1dGFawV5ym00LZSYzcy4WLIJwh8Ts3Ja6BoprKjd8xMHN7q8ysYxyq2hD0Nuo8FL.png" alt="" title="" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 " style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionX="undefined" data-positionY="undefined" data-fullWidth="false"/></figure>

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<figure id="figure-remcpen1kma4rwq66" class="selected"><iframe id="remcpen1kma4rwq66" class="w-full bg-gray-100 h-80 " style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;" allowfullscreen="" data-url="undefined" data-corners="default" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;"></iframe></figure><figure id="figure-35ob3nvt1uma4rx72n"><iframe id="35ob3nvt1uma4rx72n" class="w-full bg-gray-100 h-80 " style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;" allowfullscreen="" data-url="undefined" data-corners="default" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;"></iframe></figure><figure id="figure-rgh0pmgczma4rx2xr"><iframe id="rgh0pmgczma4rx2xr" class="w-full bg-gray-100 h-80 " style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;" allowfullscreen="" data-url="undefined" data-corners="default" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;"></iframe></figure><figure id="figure-pj2ieb0zama4rx20h"><iframe id="pj2ieb0zama4rx20h" class="w-full bg-gray-100 h-80 " style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;" allowfullscreen="" data-url="undefined" data-corners="default" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;"></iframe></figure><figure id="figure-c8xgiq97xwma4rx1gk"><iframe id="c8xgiq97xwma4rx1gk" class="w-full bg-gray-100 h-80 " style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;" allowfullscreen="" data-url="undefined" data-corners="default" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;"></iframe></figure> &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Part One:&nbsp; Generational Trauma Isn’t What You Think It Is&nbsp; written by Jodi Sherland in collaboration with Chatgpt<figure id="figure-d1p7nmf98ma4rgjqu"><img id="d1p7nmf98ma4rgjqu" alt="" title="" class="object-cover bg-gray-100" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="null" data-positiony="null" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;"></figure><figure id="figure-scsmzituxrma4rwn4v"><img id="scsmzituxrma4rwn4v" alt="" title="" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 selected" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="null" data-positiony="null" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;"></figure> How emotional misunderstanding — not parental abuse — is fueling a damaging cycle of estrangement &nbsp; Trauma is not what we’ve been taught. Most people define trauma as an experience that happened to them — abuse, neglect, violence. But trauma isn’t the event itself. It’s the emotional rupture that happens when a person can’t process an experience because they don’t understand what emotions are, or they misattribute the source of their pain.This misattribution is key. Most of us have been trained to associate our emotional pain with past events — particularly from childhood. We’re told, repeatedly, that the pain we feel now is caused by what our parents did then. The modern mental health narrative reinforces this: “You feel broken because of your upbringing. Your parents were toxic. That’s why you struggle.”But this story is incomplete — and dangerously disempowering. &nbsp; The Misunderstood Parent Yes, parents can cause pain. But most don’t realize they’re doing it. Many are operating from survival mode — running on adaptations and emotional deficits they inherited from their own upbringing. In other words, they’re still stuck in their own childhood wounding, often without a developed self.They may discipline harshly, avoid emotional presence, or fixate on control — not because they’re abusive, but because they lack impulse control, autonomy, or emotional regulation. These are all signs of arrested development.Most parents who hurt their kids emotionally are not malicious. They are unaware. They are trying to meet unmet needs from their own past. They are often re-creating familiar pain cycles because they never learned another way.They may even speak about the pain they experienced as children, while unknowingly replicating those same dynamics in their parenting — because they haven’t developed the tools or internal structure to break the pattern. &nbsp; The Paradox of the “Better” Generation Many parents from recent generations did try to break the cycle. They were explicitly taught not to spank their children. They prioritized gentleness, nurturing, and emotional expression. They gave their kids what they never received — and believed this would prevent harm.And in many cases, it did. Children of this generation often developed what their parents couldn’t:A strong sense of self Emotional regulation Impulse control Autonomy But here’s the tragedy: Even though these parents succeeded in giving their children the conditions for healthy development, they often couldn’t maintain a healthy relationship with those children — because they themselves never developed a relationship with themselves.You cannot have a stable relationship with another person — especially a growing child — if you have no stable relationship with yourself.This is the hidden cost of personality disorders or emotional immaturity. The parent may deeply love the child, but the child will feel unsafe, unseen, or overwhelmed by the parent’s dysregulation.And once the child develops enough awareness, their instinct is to cut contact. Why? Because they believe the parent is causing their emotional pain — just as they were taught. &nbsp; The Disempowering Narrative Here’s where the narrative becomes harmful:If the emotionally mature child is told “your pain is because your parent was abusive,” they are robbed of the chance to understand the full truth.The pain they feel is real. But it isn’t always because of “abuse.” It’s often because of emotional incompatibility. Because their parent is developmentally stuck. Because they were never modeled a healthy relationship with self. This doesn’t mean the parent should be given a pass. But it does mean that cutting the parent off entirely may create new wounds — especially since, prior to individuation, the child’s identity was fused with that parent.To sever that bond without understanding can cause unnecessary emotional fallout and create patterns of rejection, blame, and misdirected pain that may pass on to future generations. &nbsp; What’s Needed Instead? We don’t need more blame.We need language and frameworks that can:Help emotionally mature children understand what’s actually happening with their parent Acknowledge the real harm caused by undeveloped parenting without labeling it abuse Empower boundaries without total estrangement Guide emotionally underdeveloped parents to grow — not collapse under shame Break the cycle of emotional misattribution once and for all Because trauma isn’t about what happened. It’s about what couldn’t be processed.And if we want to stop repeating these generational loops, we must shift the focus from what was done to what was missing — and how we can start building it now. &nbsp; Read Part Two: The Real Root of Trauma Is Emotional Disconnection → Philosophy Psychology Generational Trauma Self Help Self-awareness &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp; Written by The School of Emotional Lite

<h2>Understanding Emotional Ignorance</h2>Emotional ignorance is the lack of awareness or understanding of one's own emotions or those of others. It can lead to difficulties in relationships, hinder personal growth, and affect mental well-being. Recognizing this ignorance is the first step toward fostering emotional intelligence, which is crucial for leading a balanced and fulfilling life.While it might seem challenging, overcoming emotional ignorance is possible with consistent effort and practice. This journey involves self-reflection, seeking knowledge, and building empathy. Let's explore some practical steps to help you make lasting changes.<figure id="figure-oludnetztma4ryaql" class="selected"><img id="oludnetztma4ryaql" src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/471782033/photo/senior-businessman-thinking.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=gArls2a9_ghJLsJD5IaZFs7fVMQMavGHXECqHFIJ73Q=" alt="self-reflection" class="object-cover bg-gray-100" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;" data-mce-src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/471782033/photo/senior-businessman-thinking.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=gArls2a9_ghJLsJD5IaZFs7fVMQMavGHXECqHFIJ73Q=" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;"></figure><h2>Practicing Self-Reflection</h2>Self-reflection is a powerful tool for increasing emotional awareness. It involves taking time to consider your thoughts, feelings, and reactions to various situations. Start by setting aside a few minutes each day to reflect on your emotional experiences.Consider keeping a journal to document your feelings and thoughts. Writing them down helps in identifying patterns and triggers in your behavior. Ask yourself questions such as: "What am I feeling right now?" and "Why do I feel this way?" This practice can gradually lead to a deeper understanding of your emotional landscape.<figure id="figure-a359eytlmma4ryaql"><img id="a359eytlmma4ryaql" src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/1278058065/photo/day-one-of-getting-my-life-into-gear.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=QxfP2FlpXHg4HW0WqrwcPVtRWCYv6B-EI_5OYe7auPc=" alt="writing journal" class="object-cover bg-gray-100" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;" data-mce-src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/1278058065/photo/day-one-of-getting-my-life-into-gear.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=QxfP2FlpXHg4HW0WqrwcPVtRWCYv6B-EI_5OYe7auPc=" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;"></figure><h3>Engaging in Mindfulness Practices</h3>Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, can enhance emotional awareness by helping you stay present in the moment. These techniques encourage you to observe your emotions without judgment, allowing you to respond rather than react impulsively.Start with short sessions of meditation each day. Focus on your breath and gently bring your attention back whenever it wanders. Over time, this will cultivate a more mindful approach to emotions, reducing emotional ignorance significantly.<h2>Building Empathy</h2>Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It is an essential component of emotional intelligence and plays a crucial role in overcoming emotional ignorance. To build empathy, practice active listening when engaging with others.<figure id="figure-kz6x0ta8jjma4ryaql"><img id="kz6x0ta8jjma4ryaql" src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/2162275031/photo/danger-warning-sign-on-black-background-shining-red-white-glass-hazard-warning-sign-symbol.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=0hckrILVko7n6b4pWoL0nJdIDyJtU1TaPZCszr1QpKw=" alt="active listening" class="object-cover bg-gray-100" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;" data-mce-src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/2162275031/photo/danger-warning-sign-on-black-background-shining-red-white-glass-hazard-warning-sign-symbol.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=0hckrILVko7n6b4pWoL0nJdIDyJtU1TaPZCszr1QpKw=" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;"></figure>Active listening involves giving full attention to the speaker, acknowledging their feelings, and responding thoughtfully. This approach can improve your ability to perceive emotions in others and enhance your relationships.<h3>Seeking Knowledge and Education</h3>Educating yourself about emotions and emotional intelligence can provide valuable insights into overcoming emotional ignorance. There are numerous books, online courses, and workshops dedicated to this subject.Consider joining a workshop or reading books by experts in the field. Learning from professionals can equip you with tools and strategies to better manage your emotions and understand those of others effectively.<h2>Establishing Healthy Emotional Boundaries</h2>Emotional boundaries are crucial for maintaining mental health and preventing emotional burnout. They involve recognizing your limits and communicating them clearly to others.Begin by identifying situations where you feel overwhelmed or drained emotionally. Set boundaries by expressing your needs and limits assertively yet respectfully. This will help you protect your emotional well-being while fostering healthier relationships.<figure id="figure-07k5pchw2vma4ryaql"><img id="07k5pchw2vma4ryaql" src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/79328485/photo/couple-in-park.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=2fP3LPz7MSoU1IOmwqb83gyyMpdgpaXWw5QvphpvzUY=" alt="emotional boundaries" class="object-cover bg-gray-100" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;" data-mce-src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/79328485/photo/couple-in-park.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=2fP3LPz7MSoU1IOmwqb83gyyMpdgpaXWw5QvphpvzUY=" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9;"></figure><h3>Seeking Professional Help</h3>If you find it challenging to overcome emotional ignorance on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide personalized guidance and support tailored to your specific needs.Therapy can offer a safe space to explore your emotions deeply and develop strategies for lasting change. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength and a commitment to personal growth.By taking these steps, you can embark on a journey toward greater emotional awareness and intelligence. Overcoming emotional ignorance is not an overnight process, but with dedication, it is entirely achievable.

How to Overcome Emotional Ignorance: Practical Steps for Lasting Change

&nbsp; Part Two: The Real Root of Trauma Is Emotional Disconnection — Not the Past Itself How Corporal Punishment, Emotional Misattribution, and Self-Rejection Create Lifelong Dysfunction &nbsp; Trauma doesn’t begin with pain. It begins with disconnection. In harsh or neglectful childhood environments — especially where corporal punishment is used or where children are exposed to overwhelmed caregivers or predators — a child has no ability to process the intensity of their emotional experience.The child can’t reject the parent. &nbsp;The parent is the source of food, safety, survival. &nbsp;So the child does the only thing it can: It rejects its own emotions. Because the emotion hurts, and the child can’t escape the source, the only defense left is to disconnect from the emotional signal itself. This is the earliest form of self-rejection. &nbsp; Why Corporal Punishment is Catastrophic Corporal punishment doesn’t just hurt physically. It sends a clear message: “When you feel something and act on it — I will hurt you.” So the child learns not to act on emotion. &nbsp;Eventually, they stop feeling it altogether — or they only feel the fear and shame attached to it. And over time, the child comes to believe that their emotions are dangerous.This creates a lifelong emotional feedback loop: “When I feel something, something bad happens.” “If I feel bad, it must be my fault.” “The only way to feel safe is to not feel at all.” This is the formation of trauma. &nbsp;Not the event. &nbsp;Not the spanking. &nbsp;Not the scream. &nbsp;But the self-rejection that follows. &nbsp; Disconnected Adults Aren’t “Traumatized” — They’re Unintegrated Fast forward.The child becomes an adult — often highly functional on the surface. But inside, they are fragmented. They suppress, medicate, or chase emotions, depending on whether they want them or not.They may even build entire lives around seeking specific feelings and rejecting others: Love = chase the high Anger = medicate it away Sadness = avoid it entirely Loneliness = form compulsive attachments But here’s the real problem: Emotions are not meant to be embraced or rejected. &nbsp;They are meant to be understood. &nbsp;They are messages from the self to the self. If you reject them — or only pursue the ones you like — you are functionally severing communication with yourself. &nbsp; No Relationship With Self = No Relationship With Anyone And this is why people with personality disorders — or even just unprocessed emotional wounds — can’t sustain healthy relationships.They aren’t rejecting you. &nbsp;They are disconnected from themselves. &nbsp;They’re not choosing dysfunction. They are reacting to the only system they’ve ever known — a system where emotions equal pain and disconnection is the only safety.This can look like: Inability to parent consistently Cycling through toxic relationships Emotional outbursts followed by emotional numbness Idealization followed by rejection Constant pursuit of distraction, stimulation, or validation &nbsp; The False Story That Keeps the Pain Alive Here’s the kicker:Most adults in pain still believe their pain is because they were “not loved enough as a child.”This belief is deeply embedded in trauma narratives — and it’s wrong. Your emotional pain is not caused by a lack of love. &nbsp;It’s caused by a disconnection from yourself — a rupture that formed when you rejected your own emotions in childhood to survive. This misattribution — believing others caused your feelings — is what sustains the pain. And it doesn’t stop with the past. We carry it into romantic relationships, parenting, and even self-worth. We think people “make us happy.” We think partners “hurt our feelings.” We think we “need closure” to heal. &nbsp;All false. &nbsp;All distractions from the real issue: You’re not talking to yourself anymore. &nbsp; Oxytocin, Dependency, and the Illusion of “The One” Because we don’t know how emotions work, we mistake chemical highs for connection.We meet someone. &nbsp;Feel euphoria (oxytocin spike). &nbsp;Assume that person is “the one.” &nbsp;Then, when the euphoria fades, we believe they’re “hurting us” — not realizing the emotional crash is just the absence of the drug we didn’t know we were on.This is how emotional dependency forms. &nbsp;And how it locks people into cycles of abuse, confusion, and longing. &nbsp; The Way Out The only way out of this suspended state is to: Stop rejecting emotions. &nbsp;Don’t label them good or bad. Listen to them. Stop believing they’re about other people. &nbsp;Emotions aren’t social reports. They’re system messages. Understand that trauma isn’t a life sentence. &nbsp;It’s an interrupted message. And once the signal is restored, the self can begin to develop — for real. &nbsp; Compassion for the Disconnected People who have no relationship with themselves and can’t maintain connections with others are not broken or bad. They are stuck. They are trying to solve their pain through dopamine, control, relationships, or distraction. They are not rejecting you. &nbsp;They are rejecting the pain inside themselves. We must offer compassion — but also clarity. &nbsp;Not all relationships can continue. &nbsp;But understanding what’s really happening can stop the cycle of blame, shame, and unnecessary estrangement. &nbsp; Return to Part One: When Generational Trauma Isn’t What You Think It Is&nbsp;

Jodi Sherland | Commentator—Consultant 

Writer • Public Speaker • Specializing in overcoming dysfunction through emotional literacy

I write raw, insightful blogs that unpack emotional literacy and explore how people get stuck—not in the past, but in unfinished emotional development.

After surviving years of homelessness and navigating the aftermath of unresolved childhood trauma, I rebuilt my life from the ground up. I left behind dysfunctional patterns and became a healthy, self-responsible adult.

Through this journey, I developed a fast, no-fluff approach to identifying and breaking out of emotional stuck points—tools that helped me heal and that I now share through my writing, speaking, and personal sessions.

> **This isn’t therapy. It’s emotional re-education.**

I’m available for:

* **Public speaking**
* **Podcasts & interviews**
* **Guest blog features**
* **1-on-1 sessions** for those ready to reclaim their autonomy and rebuild their emotional foundation

If you’re tired of talking about your trauma and ready to *outgrow* it—welcome. You’re not broken. You’re just unfinished.





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